


If only he knew the truth

by Sofia_25



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 12:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3410249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sofia_25/pseuds/Sofia_25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happen when you are in love with one of you best friends and you think the other person doesn't feel the same about you, but the truth is that he does ? jagan</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning

Sometimes falling in love with a friend can be a little bit complicated and painful, especially when you spend almost 24 hours a day with that person and even more when that person is the same sex as you. My name is Logan and yes, I fall in love with one of my best friends, and bandmate. We spend so much time together because we are not just a band, but we also live toghether since we were 16 and move here to California to live our dream. So basically we're always together with our others 2 friends that are in the band with us as well.

The person that I'm talking about is called James, he's really handsome, tall, with eyes that would kill anyone and a smile worthy of any toothpaste commercial and a perfect body but besides all his physical, qualities, the most important thing is that he is a very good friend and partner, he is really is funny, and when we're together we laughed a lot and had a lot of fun, I think he’s the person who makes me laugh the most, we have a very similar sense of humor. The worst part is that i’m 100% sure that he is not gay, at least he has never given any sign of being, and what is more he has a girlfriend and they have been together for a really long time, and he seems really happy everytime he is with her and apart from that, if he were gay, i think he wouldn't like me in that way anyways, since we are a little different. To be honest I'm really in love with him, almost since the first time I saw him fifteen years ago at school, since that day I can’t get him out of my head and this is getting worse every year, even if i try to find him a defect or something that would make me to forget about him, I can’t, as I said before I see him every day and that complicates things. Sometimes when I talk about him i look like a girl, but that is the effect that James has on me. I can’t stop smiling like an idiot everytime i look at him or think about him. Now we're on vacation and since i went back to my home town to visit my family las month, i didn't see him in the whole month. It was killing me no to see him i really missed him by my side, he's always a good company

. The only one in the band that i saw that month was Kendall, my best friend, another member of the band, and the only person who knows I'm gay, or bisexual, I have had girlfriends in the past and the fact that i don’t have one now doesn’t mean that i’m not with girls at all. Last time I saw him he had a new haircut and and well ... You know when I said it was hard to be in love with a friend i didn't say it just because he was my friend and thing could get awkward or because i was afraid he didn't feel the same about me, but because the desire to kiss him is always there and not just that but sometimes it's difficult to control my body especially my lower part, watching him with that new haircut really turned me on

. James had shorter hair, like mine but on him it was so much better, not that mine looks bad or something but on him everything is better for me, because he is really very handsome and again i look like a teenage girl talking about her love, in a nutshell he was sexier than ever

. That was not the only time that was hard for me to control myself or my body, I forgot to say before that he has an amazing voice, and i have to see him dancing and hear him singing on stage almost every day when we're on tour, of course i’m not complaining, to be honest I enjoy those times a lot. Also sometimes when we are talking, it’s hard for me not to look at him more than necessary, till I realize i'm being too obvious and I have to look away.

This is going to sound silly but his eyes, his face and especially his smile hypnotize me, sometimes I'm very obvious with this but I can’t control it, I believe that him and the people around us has never noticed this since nobody told me anything.

Luckily and unluckily at the same time in the last tour we were in two differents buses i was with Kendall and James was with Carlos, the other and last member on the band. I said Luckily because honestly it wouldn’t be so easy to control myself if i was in a place with so little space with him, it was quite difficult when the four of us shared one bus last year although it was pretty funny, and unluckily because that means I spent less time with him, at first I thought it was going to help me to get over him, and that maybe i would forget about what i feel for him, but of course i was wrong.

I didn’t said this before but it’s not nice to hear the person you love talking about his girlfriend, who he loves and apparently too much, whenever he speaks about her his eyes light up with love and appreciation, of course i’m a little jealous of her but i don’t hate her or anything, I don’t know her so well but i know he is nice and a good person, also she makes him happy and that's what matters the most but let's be realistic sometimes it hurts and it’s not easy to hear him talk about her, I always try to act casually but sometimes the urge to cry and run away and stop hearing about them is really strong, luckily most of the times Kendall realizes what it’s happening to me and tries to change the subject

Kendall is a really very good friend, he’s always with me when i need him, the others two too but with kendall it’s a little different, he even accept me for who I am, nowadays you don’t know how people can react if you tell them you are homosexual, and that's one of the reason why I don’t want to tell James how I feel,, i don’t think he's homophobic or something like that, it’s just that as I said before you never know. And besides if I told him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same for me, things would get awkward between us and i prefer to remain only his friend than having an awkward friendship or even worst don’t even talk with him.

And well this is the sad story of my life, well, I won’t lie my life is not sad i’m living my dream of being a singer and have a loto f fans that love and I have a pretty successful career and travel around the world with friends, visiting new places, i may not see my family and friends outsidethe band as often as I would like to but it’s part of the job. Returning to James now the only thing that i can do is enjoy the moments that we're together, and try to find another person that'll make me happy and will love me, ‘cause i’m sure he doesn’t like me that way. We’re friends, almost like brothers, but what i mean is that he obviously feels nothing more than a love of siblings or friends for me, what I'm getting at is that he doesn’t feel the same way i do for him.


	2. Chapter 2

…Returning to James, now the only thing that i can do is enjoy the moments that we're together, and try to find another person that'll make me happy and will love me, 'cause i'm sure he doesn't like me that way. We're friends, almost like brothers, but what i mean is that he obviously feels nothing more than a love of siblings or friends for me, what I want to say is that i'm sure he doesn't feel the same about me…

And ... that was what he believed, the truth is that James really loves him, From the first moment he saw him about fifteen years ago, well not really, at that moment he wasn’t aware he was gay, but he felt something really special the first time he saw him that day at school, and that thing that he felt became a strong attraction to Logan through the year. James was sure that Logan had something special, something that made James realised that he liked boys as well. If you ask him what that special thing was, he wouldn't be able to put it into words, he just knew that it was something different.  
That attraction got stronger as they got to know each other and became friends, and the first time he heard him sang, he was sure he was totally in love with that boy, he realised that his voice was even more angelic, sweet and sexy when he sang.  
Slowly the attraction became something else, something called love, but like Logan, James thought that his friend was only interested in women and didn’t have any interest in men, what a big mistake to have believed that for so long, if they only knew the truth.   
James really loved Logan but at the same time he had a girlfriend whom he loved as well, really loved, however he loved Logan even more, he was something special for James, the love he felt for his friend was stronger than any other. She made him very happy, but he still felt that something was missing and he felt really guilty every time he masturbated thinking about Logan and not his girlfreind, he felt that somehow he was cheating on her, but he couldn’t dump her, first because as I said before, he truly loved her and then because let be honest she also helped him to forget about Logan for a few hours when they were together.  
James was quite confused and sometimes he felt like shit especially when he was kissing her and suddenly he wanted those lips to be logan’s, and the same thing happened sometimes when they were making love and those thing were happening to him more and more often, and he was a bit sick of it, but as he believed that Logan felt nothing for him, he preferred to keep living like that. Nothing was going really bad anyway, he was just a little confused and feeling a little bad with himself.   
The only one who knew what he felt for his friend was one of his best friends, that person was Carlos, and also he was the only one who knew James liked boys.  
Logan was the kind of guy who slept with a different girl almost every week, the knowledge of this was not really funny for James, even if he had a girlfriend, seeing Logan with another girl still hurt him, maybe if Logan had and stable relationship such as the one he had a few years ago, it would have been better for James, because he would know that that person would make Logan happy and would really love him, but that was not the case so it hurt even more.  
James believed that being with his girlfriend would make him get over Logan but that's not what happened, for some reason he couldn’t forget him, perhaps the fact that he saw him every day made it more difficult for James or maybe Logan was really special and he will never be able to forget him.  
If James has to be honest he will say that he was really jealous of Kendall , he doesn’t have any resentment towards Kendall, considering that they are also friends, but he can’t help it, he’s just jealous because Kendall is Logan’s best friend, knows all of his secrets and spent so much time with him that he thought it was unfair, and obviously the same thing happens to Logan but with Carlos, both would kill just to be in the other's places, and be the best friend who knows all of their secrets and spend a great deal of time together. Even though they spent a lot of time together it wasn’t enough for them.  
Sometime thing were hard for both of them, once they were fighting over some shoes and while Logan was trying to take the shoes out of james hands, James trips over the couch loses his balance and falls into the couch, at that moment, James grabs logan, as an instinct to keep him from falling, but taking into account that James is stronger and taller than Logan, they both ended up on the couch, Logan was above James and their faces were separated by less than two inches, and you can imagine what happened, no unfortunately they didn't kiss even though both of them really want to, what really happened was that the fall caused some kind of friction them and considering what they feel for each other, what happened was really hot for both of them, They both felt the obvious bulge in the other’s pants but the only thing they did was just stare at each other with wide eyes and chose not to say anything. Luckily, they were alone and no one saw what happened and after that, each went to their respective room and tried to to avoid each other for the rest of the day.  
Neither said anything to anyone about what happened that day, not even to their best friends, they thought it was better to leave it there and act like if nothing had happened.   
Obviously neither of the two want to believe that it had meant something, just thought it was a natural thing that would happen to anyone in that situation, that's what they wanted to believe not to raise their hopes in vain. Both decided not to think so much about the subject and let it go.  
Days passed and the awkwardness that existed between them faded and everything returned to normal, it was like if nothing had really happened that day.  
After what happened between James and Logan that day, things for James became more complicated, it was more difficult for him to see his girlfriend in the face, the guilt was getting bigger and bigger so he had to make a decision that wasn’t so easy for him, a decision quite painful to be honest so a month before going on tour, he decided to end the relationship with his girlfriend, he believed that it was the best for him and her as well, she was a nice girl so she deserved someone that really really love her and just her, he was tired of feeling that he was cheating on her, even though technically he didn't cheat on her he felt like he was, besides he was tired of kissing her and think about his friend, it was getting harder and harder for him not to do that, so even though it hurt him, he did what he believed was right, and after 3 years of an steady relationship with the same girl, he returned to be single again.


	3. Chapter 3

When James told his bandmates about the breakup, he was trying to act like if it wasn’t a big deal for him, but the  
other three were well aware that it wasn’t as easy for him as he wanted them to believe, his sad face, his teary eyes  
and the way he spoke demonstrated the truth, so, Carlos, Logan and Kendall were there for him, trying to raise his  
mood and made him feel better. Everybody knew that she made him really happy and they didn’t understand why it  
was him the one who had ended their relationship, they knew that he loved her and they could see it in his face every  
time he spoke to her or talked about her and even though James explained them why, none of them were really convinced.  
Maybe you think that Logan was happy about the news, but the truth is that he wasn’t, he saw the sadness in  
James’ eyes and that beautiful smile that James used to have, wasn’t there anymore to brighten Logan’s day like it always did,  
and besides he knew perfectly that James was not having a good time and was really sad and devastated,  
after three years of a relationship that at times seemed to be perfect, of course they had had their fights  
and separations but they always made up, however this time seemed like they weren’t going to get back together ever again, so it was normal for James to feel that way.  
Some days had passed and James realized that ending the relationship with his now ex girlfriend was really a good decision,  
the guilt was gone, the pain was for leaving her was still there but it wasn’t as painful as it was at first, like it was said before, he really loved her and he was very happy with her, they had been together for more than three years, a long time to be able to forget someone easily and that was why it was so hard for him to break up with her.  
But now that time has passed and with the support of his friends and family, the smile on James’ face has returned and his eyes no longer looked sad. Logan wished to be the one who had returned the happiness to his friend, but he knew that was impossible.  
A few weeks passed and as James was single, he didn’t feel the guilt for thinking about Logan almost all the time, well at least he didn’t feel as guilty as before.  
At one point James was afraid of never being able to get over Logan, he was afraid of wanting something that he would never had for the rest of his life, afraid of living a fantasy, he also was afraid of never finding that person that would make him forget about Logan, and would make him happy as well, he wanted to forget him in the loving way, because if we talk about friendship, in that aspect he would never want to lose him, Logan was a really good friend for him. Beyond what he felt, he could also appreciate the moments they shared as friends.  
All those fears that James felt were also presents in Logan’s head, if they only knew that they were both going through the same situation, things would be really different.  
By not feeling more guilty and be able to somehow flirt with Logan, James didn’t lose his chances and occasions of doing it, of course it was in a very subtle way, not only that but it he also didn’t lose any opportunity of touching him, no matter where, the contact was what was important and as Logan didn’t showed any bad reaction to this James continued to do it.  
By doing all this, James was trying to give him some sign, he was actually ready to tell him what he felt, not tomorrow or next month, bur for sure he was ready to tell him one day. Perhaps when the band is over and everyone will have to take their own paths. Logan was his friend now but who knows what would happen when they are no longer in the same band.  
James's idea was that if when he confesses his feelings to Logan, Logan say that he has no intention of giving it a try or something, or worse if he doesn’t even want to talk to him anymore, he would try to forget him and if that doesn’t happen, well for sure he will regret telling him, but he was sure that he couldn’t keep living like this, sometimes you have to risk things.  
For Logan those touches and compliments did not go unnoticed , it was rare, of course, it was not usual on James, but he was not going to complain, he was confuse, but he really liked the situation at the same time. He tried not to think too much about it, he didn’t want to raise his hopes for nothing. However he was taking advantage of the situation and was doing the same as James, he was not going to miss that opportunity.  
And now they were already on the tour, they were almost every day in a different city. Things were normal, as usual, there were some fight between them, as always happens in a group of friends, but nothing serious.  
Unnecessary touches and flirtations continued between the two, but no one said anything about it, both of them were trying to enjoy the moment and don’t think too much about it.  
The normal daily routine on the tour, was, getting up early, go to the gym, do an interview with a radio or just spend the time in the place in where they had to do the show that night, play the show, sing, dance, go to bus and sleep.  
But this time things were a little different, they were in another country and there were no buses.  
With all these events of flirting and touching, the desire was growing and self-control was getting lower.  
One day while Logan and James were in a hotel room, for some reason neither Carlos nor Kendall were there, it was just the two of them, that day something happened, something that changed their lives completely….


	4. Chapter 4

They were sitting on the bed, watching some TV and talking about life in general, it´s necessary to say that they were really close to each other and besides there had been a long time since the last time they were together in the same room totally alone.   
After a while Logan realized that he was not playing attention to the TV neither was listening to what James was saying, he was just looking at James’s face with an stupid smile on his face, he was just looking at James’s beautiful face, first his eyes then his mouth, his nose, every part of James’s face that Logan loved so much. This was nothing new, Logan used to do it all the time, but this time James’s face was closer to his own face than those others times, at that moment James realized that Logan hadn’t say anything in a long time so he just asked “Are you listening to me Logan? Or have you been ignoring me all this time?” James then turn his head to look at his friend, they look at each other for a moment until Logan decided to lean forward slightly and kissed him on the lips. James didn’t move, he was in shock, he couldn’t believe what was happening it was too good to be true; he was not expecting Logan to do that. As James didn´t responded to the kiss Logan started to panicked and get up quickly then he said “James I am sorry, I don’t know what was I thinking, I am sorry, I get it if you don’t want to talk to me again, and if you hate me it’s alright but I would prefer you to say nothing please I won’t be able to stand you telling me that kind of thing, and again I’m sorry” and with tear in his eyes Logan run out the room to the hall  
It took James about 5 seconds to process what had happened and ran after Logan, the love of his life, the one he had love for a long long time, his secret love, his impossible love, at least until that moment. Logan was walking down the hall; he couldn’t have gone too far. Finally when James came over to where Logan was, without saying a word , he pushed him against the wall (subtly, of course, the idea was not to hurt him) and kissed him with such passion and love, Logan without thinking , kiss James with the same passion and love as James was kissing him then, James said, "You shouldn’t have asked me for forgiveness, I am the one who has to apologies for doing nothing when you kissed me earlier, I was just surprised, and I could never hate you ... "James gulped nervously and said" because I love you "Logan just smiled and kissed him again and then said," I love you too, almost from the first moment I saw you, and after five years I still love, even more than when we first met, I never thought I would have the courage to tell you this and less thought something like this could have happened, "James just smiled and kissed him.   
At that moment Kendall and Carlos were on his way into the room and saw the two kissing in the hallway, all they could do was just laugh and looked at each other, after so long of seeing they best friend suffered for a love that they thought was impossible, it was somehow a little funny to see both of them together now, kissing, they happy for both of them of course. When they heard they friend laughing, two lovers looked at them and ask at the same time: "What's wrong?” The other two just said "Nothing" and made the way into their. James and Logan stayed a little longer in the hallway kissing.  
The two were happy as they had never been, they had waited so many years and finally it was happening, at that time James realized that breaking up with his girlfriend was the best he could have done and he did not regret one bit doing it.  
Now they had plenty of time to talk about their feelings but at this time it was more important to recover those five years that they have somehow lost for the fear of rejection, fear of ruining the band and the fear of losing a friend.


	5. Epilogue:

Five years have passed since that first kiss between James and Logan and a lot of things have changed,

the band is no longer a band, they have split up, a year after that event. Kendall decided to keep on with

his career as a solo singer for a while but now he is just spending time with his family. Carlos worked on

Broadway for a long period of time and then decided to act on movies. James is a model now and he is

doing it pretty good and besides he is now working on a solo album as well. Last but not least,

Logan started producing series and films, and keeps doing it nowadays. James and Logan are still together after five years,

it was all nice while they were on tour together, they spent a lot of time together,

the problem began when they decided to work on different thing, they had less and less time to be together and sometimes it was hard,

and it still remains difficult, but they love each other and that is what is really important,

they enjoy the times when they are together even more now. In all these years they have fight of course,

like every normal couple, but nothing too serious. They decided to admit in public their relationship after the end of the band,

there were some people who criticized them and even insulted them but the majority understand them and

support them with their relationship specially their fans. Luckily for them, their families and friends accept their relationship

without problem; what they all said was that as far as they are happy, they would be happy for them as well.

With the guys from the band they try to keep on touch whenever they can, they are all still good friends and see each other once in a while.

The love they feel for each other is the only thing that hasn't chance in all this years, they are more in love than ever,

they even plan to get married and adopt a child not now but in the future when they won't be so busy with work .

THE END


End file.
